Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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