Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
