In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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