Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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