So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
