I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
