Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
