I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Watching her eat just hurts me
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
