He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
