First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
