Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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