Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
You smell like stripper and shame
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
