i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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