Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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