When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
