Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Randomize
