Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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