the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
