just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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