Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
