You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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