im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
