i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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