This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
