He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
