last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
