i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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