I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
