wanna go halves on a baby?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
