So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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