Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
