Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
