Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
