our cab driver is having phone sex.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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