I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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