My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
