If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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