I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
