You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
