someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
