Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
