i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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