Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Sext me about skeletons
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
