Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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