Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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