I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
