And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
