your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
