I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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