im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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