That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
