WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
