dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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